By
choosing to behave in any of the above ways is to consciously allow a
divorce to take on a life of its own, taking the focus away from those
issues that are in dire need of attention: the needs of the children,
the disposition of assets, the ability to survive financially post
divorce, where the parties will live, with whom the children will live,
how the family medical and dental expenses will be paid, and how a
surviving parent and the children will be cared for should one parent
die. At best, the task is daunting; there is no time for unproductive
arguing or juvenile jockeying. Lives will be restructured by the
divorce; there is no avoiding it. However, if people choose to
meaningfully participate in the process they will retain far more
control on the outcome and the future of their families.
The role of the Family Law Mediatoris
to channel energies positively. The less a party is able to behave in
an appropriate, civil manner, the more the individual ultimately
forfeits the opportunity to productively participate in bringing his or
her divorce to resolution. When a participant proceeds with civility,
however, the right to make life decisions is retained rather than
placing it in the hands of a third party; a judge who receives select
information and makes a decision based on that limited information. It
is as if the judge looks though a key hole of the door to a large room
and is then expected to accurately describe the valuable pieces of art
hanging on each and every wall. It is simply impossible and at best, a
judge’s decision is typically imperfect. Of course the advantage of
having a judge make a decision is that it gets done. Yet, even after a
judgment has entered and a divorce is final, the unresolved emotional
issues that a court cannot resolve remain firmly in place, often with
far reaching tentacles capable of impacting the lives of generations to
follow. An attorney practicing for decades, for example, may represent
multiple generations of family members who remarkably present with very
similar marital problems. To add insult to injury, when a judge hears
any aspect of a divorce, those hearings usually occur in a public
courtroom. The veneer of privacy and dignity is non-existent in a
courtroom. Mediation offers a viable alternative to all of this.
The
fever pitch commonly associated with the divorce process can become so
heated that individuals often waive their rights to participate
effectively in the process, largely without realizing the consequences
of their angry misbehavior. The courts cope with this problem in a
variety of ways: court officers being asked to separate arguing parties
in the courthouse building itself, leaving the attorneys in a separate
area to negotiate on behalf of their clients; police officers being
called upon to assist normally rational adults who simply cannot
interact appropriately even for the seconds it takes to drop off or pick
up their children; and courts entering orders prohibiting verbal
exchanges between the parties in the presence of their children. It is
amazing that in a world that is so focused on communication via every
possible medium; e-mail, texting and twittering to name a few, people in
the divorce arena regularly and voluntarily relinquish the right to
express themselves at all, simply because they refuse to do so in a
respectful and productive manner. The Family Law Mediator is trained to
focus on resolving disputes by keeping the communication on track.